I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am recently and I’m really not loving what’s been coming up.

For much of my life, I have not had a great relationship with myself, which I know very well is a big problem when it comes to forming or maintaining any kind of relationship with others.

I have spent decades going from being disappointed in myself to angry; to hating myself; to feeling extreme amounts of guilt – even for things that were not in my control. It really is very draining. Years of therapy has helped me to keep these ‘beliefs’ under control for short bouts of time but unlearning such things is not by any means easy.

Still, I am in some ways better than I was – especially with the hatred. Looking back at journal entries from some years back, describing how much I hated myself, honestly makes me cringe and brings me to the verge of tears. There’s no doubt in my mind that if I was to read such self-criticism from a friend, I would tell them that they are being way too hard on themselves and that they need to find a way to let go of such detrimental self-hatred. This is what I have been trying to do for me – sometimes I manage and sometimes I fail.

Today’s pressing self-depreciation is ‘shame’. This is a very, very difficult one to cope with and let go of. Why do I feel shame? Because I believe that at this ripe middle-age of 44 I really should be dealing with things much better than I am. I should be able to walk away from people that cause me distress, even if I love them. I should be able to keep my thoughts to myself instead of being so overly open and honest with them that I put myself in a position where things can be used against me. Most of all, I should have my attachment issues under control. I don’t.

Perhaps I have never learned to love properly, whatever that means. I am intense with my care, with my connection, with my bond and loyalty to the point where, even if the relationship (of any kind) is screaming at me to let it go, I hold on for dear life. I suffocate it. I drain the life out of it. And then, I watch, helplessly, as I put myself in a position where I am forced to lose something that I am desperate not to. Just like when I lost my daughter… and yes, it always comes back down to that – my grief. Everything, absolutely everything, is in some way connected to that loss, even if it has nothing to do with it and this took me a long time to realise. And guess what… it hurts like hell. Yet, I feel like it is my own doing. ‘Stop loving so hard!’.

So I guess, I need to somehow ‘re-learn’ the art of love. I need to stop being so intense. I need to find a way to fix my attachment issues. I suppose, most of all, I must learn to enjoy my own company enough so as to not search for ‘happiness’ or ‘acceptance’ from others and I really have to forgive myself for not already having learned to do these things. I need to let go of the ‘shame’ and move forward.

I know what I need to do, I just wonder if I will manage to do it.

Signing off for now,

SK